Swan Song

“Fit like Nigel?”

“Goodness me Convener, where have you been?”

“Weel, seen as ye’re askin’ a wis jist in the laavy. Fit wis ye needin’ tae ken for oneywey?”

“No Convener , I didn’t mean your physical presence, I was talking about your digital presence, you know, your blog. We haven’t seen sight or sound of that for ages.”

“Ah weel Nigel ye ken fit it’s like, aa’ve jist been ower busy. An’ my blogs a bit like Downton and Strictly - ye dinna hear much aboot them in the summer bit sure enouch, fin the nichts draa’ in, ye hear aboot naethin’ else. Oneywey, fit’s that ye’ve got in the boxie?”

“Oh it’s your office supplies - but I need to ask you about that.”

“Ask me fit?”

“Well you’ve ordered 10 bottles of Tippex. Why on earth would anyone require that amount?”

“Oh aye, ma Tippex, that’s great. A wis needin it fir ma recycling.”

“Recycling Convener? What on earth has Tippex got to do with recycling?”

“Weel it’s aa this cutbacks. Ye see we’ve nae money for luxuries like Christmas Cards but fin aa wiz haein’ a redd oot last week aa fun’ a great pile o’ aal’ Christmas Cards at the back o’ the office press. They’d come frae aa’’ oo’er the place an some o’ them wis gey fantoosh. So I thocht ti’ masel’ - if ah jist Tippexed oot the signatures, an gee them a bit dicht up - they wid dae jist fine this year tae send oot frae the Moray Cooncil Convener tae ah his freen’s.”

“To all your friends Convener? Well that’s one blessing - you won’t need too many!”

“Jist watch it sunshine! The Moray Cooncil is damnt near the top o’ the league fir recycling so ah’ll jist dae a wee bit mair! There’s nithin’ wrang wi’ improving yer green credentials ye ken - an’ it’ll aye save a bitty mair money.”

“Well be that as it may but I can’t help feel that it will present a very poor image”.

“Peer image? Am nae usin’ a photae o’ masel’ ye ken. It’ll jist be fitivver’s on the cards that ah got.”

“Noooo Convener! I didn’t mean your image I meant the image of the Council It will make us seem to be very penny pinching.”

“Abso-blooming-lootely Nigel, cos ‘ats jist fit we’re aa’ aboot.”

“Well if that’s the case I can’t see that you’re saving much money anyway - what with the cost of postage these days.”

“Oh ah ken - it’s jist a damned disgrace. It costs 12 bob noo fir a first class stamp! My Granny cwid feed a femily o’ fower on that amount o’ money an’ still hae change fir a nicht oot at the pictures an’ a fish supper!”

“Please Convener we’ve agreed to keep your Granny out of these discussions.”

“Weel am nae caring – it’s still 12 bob for a stamp. I kin min’ fan that wis the cost o a dog licence.”

“A what, Convener?”

“Oh it disnae metter - ‘cos aa’ve come up wi’ an idea tae save us the cost o postage oneywey.”

“And what would that be, Convener?”

“Boy Scouts.”

“Boy Scouts, Convener?”

“Aye, ye mak’ a smaa’ donation tae the Boy Scouts an’ they go oot an deliver aa’ yer Christmas cards for ye.”

“But Convener, some of the people you send cards to are not local. How do you expect the Scouts to deliver Christmas Cards all over the country?”

“Weel I dinnae ken - maybe ane o’ them’s got a bike?”

“Convener, you can’t have Boy Scouts cycling all over the country at your bidding just to save a few pence.”

“Weel, mony a mickle mak’s a muckle an’ aam jist tryin t’dae ma bit.”

“Yes Convener!”

“Ah weel, that’s ma’ swansong. Bye bye aabody – hae’ yersel’s a Couthy Christmas and I wish ye aa’ the best for the New Year.”

Recycling Revisited

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree’s Blog – see Nigel’s Blog above or go directly through this link.

“Nigel, Nigel come ben here a mintie will ye?”

“Good evening Convener you’re working late again.  Is there a problem?”

“Och,  it’s ma blog again Nigel - a’ve got naethin’ tae say”

“Nothing to say Convener?  Why these have been two of the most momentous weeks of your, admittedly short, career - what with the by-election and everything.”

“Oh a ken, I ken, but a’body’s heard  the result so if’a go on aboot it they’ll jist think a’m bein’ smug an craawin’.  An’ ye ken fit they say - pride comes afore a fa’.”

“Yes Convener, but surely the administration is a little more secure now that you’ve got another Independent member.”

“A weel, maybe the peg’s nae as shoogly as it wis afore.  Bit there canna’ be ony room for complacency.  We’ll jist hae tae work awa and try an’ get this job deen.  But that’s nae the pint - I’m needin’ somethin’ to pit in ma blog again.”

“But Convener, you’ve now got plenty scope for political point scoring.”

“Na, na Nigel.  It’s nae the time, an it’s nae the place.  If the sheen hid been on the ither fit I widna’ wint tae girn aboot it - so I’m nae craawin’ either.  I’ll jist hae tae spik aboot somethin’ else.  Fit is there that’s nae controversial?”

“Yes, well that’s a good question because there’s not much on the agenda at the moment that fits that category - what with the western link road and the budget cuts and all that.  Perhaps the safest bet is the wheelie bins.

“Wheelie bins?. Fit’s new aboot wheelie bins?”

“Well, you’ll remember that last year we introduced new recycling facilities for our rural residents.  So this month we’re starting to introduce the same facilities in our urban communities.”

“In the toons?”

“Yes Convener in the…. em  er ….toons”

“So fit’s the difference then?”

“Well the main differences are that we are going to be collecting plastic waste in separate bins and the recycling collections will take place every fortnight rather than weekly at present.”

“Here min -  wait a mintie.  My recycling boxes are dam’t near fu’ at the end o’ a week.  I’ll be in a richt sotter come a fortnicht.”

“Yes Convener but to overcome that, we’re going to issue more bins.  As well as your usual green and brown bins you’ll have a bin for paper and cardboard, another one for plastic and cans and you’ll continue to use your present orange box for glass.  So you should have more than enough room.”

“Have ye seen the amount o’ bottles I pit oot in a fortnicht ?  The beer drinkers o’ Moray will be up in erms!!”

“Well Convener, perhaps it might dissuade them, and you, from over imbibing.  In any case, I sometimes think that politicians and alcohol don’t mix very well.  Look what happened to the MP for Falkirk, Mr Joyce.”

“Oh here - that wis afa’ wisint it?  He’s a gey boy Eric.  Canna’ seem to bide oot o’ bather.  Bit you ken fit really surprised me?”

“No, what was that Convener?”

“He wis in the Hoose o’ Commons - in a Sports Bar !”

“Yes, well there are over 600 MP’s. I suppose they need somewhere to relax every now and then.”

“Aye - bit that’s nae the pint.  I thocht they wid hae a bit mair class than haein’ “Sports Bars”.  An’ ye ken fit they were daein?”

No what was that Convener?

“They were haein’ a Karaoke nicht.  That’s nae fit ye expect fae MP’s.  That’s mair the kin’ o’ thing ye’d find in the Ploo on a Seterday nicht.  I thocht that MP’s wid hae somethin’ a bit mair sophisticated.  Ye ken - like maybe a wee string quartet in the corner.  I didna’ expect them to be murderin’ Status Quo or gein it laldy wi “My Way”.  That’s jist destroyed the picter I hid o’ them aa’ sittin’ there, wi’ a bit o gravitas, listening to Bach or Schubert.”

“But Convener, everyone is entitled to a bit of relaxation.”

“I ken Nigel, but this is the Hoose o’ Commons.  Fit will they be daein’ next - playin’ bingo?  Ye can jist imagine the Speaker daein’ the bingo numbers – Chancellors Hoose - number 11, Davie’s Den - number 10,  aa’ the Greens - number 1.  It jist disna’ bear thinkin’ aboot!!”

“Convener you are ranting again.  You’d better get back to the topic - the plans for rolling out the wheelie bins?”

“Oh that’s a good ane Nigel!  Rolling oot the wheelie bins - bit a keep telling ye - I dae the funnies in here!  So fit’s the story?”

“Well the first phase of the roll… I mean the project commenced on Friday 15^th March when the new bins were issued to householders in Alves and we’ll continue throughout Moray so that, hopefully, all our households will be using the new system by Friday 3^rd May.

“So if onybody his ony questions, far aboot should they go?”

“Well Convener every affected household will receive a leaflet before their bins arrive, and another delivered with their bins which explains exactly what is going to happen.  However if they have any further questions they can visit the Council’s website at www.moray.gov.uk or telephone our Waste Hotline on 01343 557045.”

“So come 3^rd May it’ll aa’ be sorted?”

“Absolutely Convener - in every sense of the word!!!”

If you need any advice or assistance with any aspect of the Council’s recycling programme, please visit the website link above or contact 01343 557045.

The Blood Donor (II)

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree's Blog see Nigel's Blog above or go directly to this link

“Good evening Convener – you’re working late tonight - I was just about to lock up.”

“Oh fit like Nigel? I’m jist gettin’ ready for ma Civic Duties doon at the Toon Hall”

“Civic Duties Convener?”

“Aye, I’m awa doon tae the Blood Donors Award Ceremony, so I’m jist gie’in ma chain a wee bit polish afore aa go”

“Ah yes, Blood Donors, a most worthwhile and commendable sacrifice.  Are you making many awards?”

“Oh aye.  There’s 34 fowk getting’ awards for gie’in dam’t near 2,000 pints o’ blood!  So I wis hopin’ I wid pick up a few tips”.

“Tips about giving blood?”

“Na na Nigel.  It’s tips aboot the budget that aa’m needin’.  Aa’m fair scunnert tryin’ tae get enugh siller oot o’ the Government to pey aa’ oor bills – an’ ony chance o’ pittin’ up the cooncil tax a bitty his gone rich toot the windae ‘cos we’re nae allowed tae dae that.  So - aa thocht I’d turn tae the experts.”

“Well I am sure that the Blood Transfusion Service is very prudent in its financial management, but I don’t know how they can help you in your dealings with the Government.”

“Weel I thocht that they wid be jist the billies tae tell ma  hoo’ tae get bleed oot o’ a stane!  An’ file they’re aboot it -  they could, forbyes, come doon to the Cooncil Chambers on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s aboot 11 o’clock.  Aa some think there’s a few Cooncillors that wid be prepared to volunteer tae gie blood aboot that time.”

“At 11 O’clock Convener?.  Why on earth would they volunteer at 11 O’clock?”

“Well it’s aa’ this cuts ye see.  The ither week we pit a moratorium on tea and biscuits for Cooncillors - so at 11 o’clock, fin we used tae hae wir fly cup, the best we can manage noo - is a glass o’ waater.  So there’s a fair chunce that, if the blood transfusion van came doon, the Cooncillors wid volunteer jist tae get a cup o tea and a Jammie Dodger.”

Convener, you can’t go giving blood every week for the sake of a custard cream or a bourbon.  That’s not the spirit at all – and I trust that you’ve been a regular donor yourself?

“Ahhh…. weel, there’s the rub.  There’s a wee bit o’ a problem there.  Ye see – for a laang time I wis prevented frae giein’ blood on accoont o’ a medical condition.”

 “And what condition was that?

“I wis feart!.  Aa jist couldna’ look at a needle wi’oot feelin’ faint. Even ma grannie danin’ socks set ma aff.  I think it wis aa’ Tony Hancock’s fault.  He wis aye goin’ on aboot a pint o’ blood bein a hale ermfae - an’ I didna’ realise he wis only jokin!  Bit dinna you go tellin’ aabody - ‘cos it’s ane o’ my darker secrets an’ I’m probably too auld noo tae change.”

“But Convener – you’re supposed to set an example.  If you don’t practice what you preach you’ll be accused of being a hypocrite.”

“A hippo fit?”

“A hypocrite – someone who says one thing but does another.”

“Dinna’ you dare mention Politicians!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it Convener and your secret’s safe with me….provided…..”

“Provided fit?”

“Provided you mend the error of your ways and at the very least make enquiries tonight as to whether you’re suitable as a blood donor”

“Or else?”

“Or else there may be a leak of confidential information concerning the Convener’s blood donor history”

“Hoo big a leak?”

“Oh – about a pint I imagine”

“Oh touché Nigel – aa’ll dae it – aa’ll dae it!”

“Well, I’ll hold you to your word Convener”

“@**$£**”

 

It’s never too late.  You can start giving blood anytime up to your 66th birthday so for more details about how you can mend the error of your ways visit the Scottish Blood Transfusion Service on:-

http://www.scotblood.co.uk/

Some of the recipients of the Awards

The Only Constant Is Change

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree's Blog see Nigel's Blog above or go directly to this link
 

“Aye Aye Nigel – Fit’s daein’ the day?”

“Well Convener, I wanted a word with you about your blog.”

“Fit aboot ma’ blog?”

“Well that’s rather the point.  What about it indeed!  I’ve heard rumblings that you haven’t been very active on that front lately.  There’s been nothing heard from you for a fortnight!”

“Aye, fair dues… bit I hiv been tryin’ – honestly.  It’s jist that every time I get somethin’ doon on paper aathin’ changes before I kin get it ontae ma blog.”

“What do you mean – everything changes?”

“Weel, jist the ither week I wiz sayin’ foo unseasonable it hid been an’, as seen as I hid said that, we wiz up tae oor oxters in sna’.  I hid tae tak’ that bit oot or else they’d aa’ be blamin’ me for bringin’ it on.  ”

“Well you might have been tempting fate a bit but you surely can’t blame yourself simply because the weather does the opposite of what predict”.

“Ah weel that’s as maybe - bit try tellin’ that tae Michael Fish.  Oneywey, it’s nae that bad noo so we’ll jist hae tae glory on.  Then there wis ma letter tae the Pope.”

“The Pope, Convener?”.

“Oh aye – I wiz goin tae tell aabody aboot ma letter tae the Pope …. bit as soon as I hid written it doon – he’d resigned!!”

“Well but I’m sure that your reader will still be interested in that.  We don’t have a lot of correspondence with the Vatican.  What prompted you to write?”

“Weel, I jist winted tae congratulate the Pope on catchin’ up wi’ me an’ getting himsel’ ontae the social media scene.  He’s started twitterin ye ken.”

“Now we’ve had this conversation before Convener!  People using Twitter, tweet.  But why is this of particular interest to you?”

“Well, ye ken fit they say - imitation is the sincerest form o’ flattery- an’ the Pope’s tweetin’ in Doric as weel.”

“The Pope’s tweeting in Doric?”

“Aye….. well maybe nae in my Doric.  He’s tweetin’ in his ain Doric – Latin.”

“Latin is the Pope’s Doric?”

“Aye of course it is.  It’s the auld language o’ the Romans - jist like Doric is the auld language o’ the fowk fae Moray.  So I’m thinkin’ that the Pope his cotton’d on tae my idea an’ is usin’ Latin for his twits.”

“Tweets, Convener.”

“Aye aye - it’s aa’ the same thing.  So I thocht I wid jist send him a wee notie tae congratulate him on his novel, weel nearly novel,  approach.”

“And have you written your….er….. notie  in Doric?

“Weel, no - but a hiv tae accept that, file Doric’s ane o’ the world’s maist romantic languages – jist like Italian -  it’s maybe nae aa’ that weel understood these days – specially doon the Vatican wey -  so I’ve hid tae dae ma usual translation for him.”

“Well I’m sure that the Pope will be gratified to learn of your admiration for his foray into the age of digital communication, but I think it’s stretching a point a bit to suggest that Doric is a language with romantic overtones similar to those found in Italian”.

“Oh nane the bit!.  Doric’s as romantic as ony ither language… It’s maybe jist a bit mair straight tae the pint.  You ken hoo the Italian’s micht say “Ciao Amore! – a’ wanna cradle a’ you inna ma arms ana shower you witha ma hot keesses”?  In Doric ye’d say “Fit like bonny quine?  Ye gonna gie’s a bosie?”  So there you are, jist exactly the same - bit in half the time!”

“Convener, I’ve no idea what a ‘bosie’ is and I believe I might do well to remain ignorant.  But this isn’t providing any material for your blog.  Can’t you think of anything that’s topical but not subject to sudden change?”

“Horsemeat?”

“No that’s been overdone – oh! I did it again – horsemeat…. overdone!  Do you get it?”

“Aye… bit only frae Findus … there’s nae horsemeat selt in oor butchers.  Nae Shergarburgers or Triggermince in Moray!  Bit ye’re richt… that story’s been roon the hooses mair than the joke aboot the White Horse that went intae a bar.  The barman looked at it and said – “here – we’ve got a whisky named efter you.”  The horse looked at him an’ said….”Fit? Eric?!”

“Convener… I despair, you’re just avoiding the issue.  You’ll need to find something that people are interested in and that won’t change overnight.”

“Aa’ve got it!.  I’ll pit it oot next week.”

“Won’t it change by then?”

“Na, na – this ane goes on forever!”

“What on earth is it then?”

“Budget cuts!!!!”

  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/the-pope/9814054/Pope-tweets-in-Latin-for-first-time.html

Resolutions

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation

“Good morning Convener - and a Happy New Year.”

“Fit like Nigel and the same tae yersel’.  Are ye a’ riggit oot for 2013 an’ rarin’ tae go –  wi’ yer shooder tae the wheel and yer nose tae the grindstane?”

“Well, actually, I’m not sure if you can put your shoulder to the wheel when your nose is on a grindstone!  However I am much refreshed after our short break.  What about yourself?”

“Well noo that aa’ the celebrations is oot o’ the wey, it’s back tae caul’ kale and porridge.  Though I hiv tae admit – so far the wither’s nae been that caul!.”

“Yes the weather has been unseasonable lately.  I heard the birds singing the other morning – quite extraordinary for this time of year”.

“Aye and aa’ the bugs that are gaun’ aboot are thrivin’ in this wither.  I’ve been hostin’ wi’ the caal for weeks and then, jist fin that seemed tae be gettin’ better, I pit my back oot, an’ I couldna’ even get oot o’ ma bed”

“That’s dreadful Convener, but you seem to be more mobile now?”

“Aye, but that’s ‘cos I wis dowsed !”

“Doused?  What on earth were you doused in, aftershave?”

“No … no…..nae doused – dowsed.  Ye ken, like fit they dae fin they’re lookin’ for waatter.”

“They were looking for water in your back?”

“No.  They were lookin’ for the sair bits.  Ane o’ my Cooncillor pals is a dab hand at the dowsing, an’ she speirt if she could hae a shottie findin’ oot fit wis wrang.  I telt her she could dae fitever she winted  - jist as lang as I didna’ hae tae tak’ ma troosers aff!”

“And so she walked over your back with a pair of hazel twigs?”

“No!  Nigel – you’re nae taakin’ this seriously!  She used a crystal on a bittie string.  And afore you say onythin’ else, I didna’ gie  tuppence for her chances o’ findin’ oot fit wis wrang”

“So you are rather sceptical about alternative medicine?”

“Abso-bloomin-lootly Nigel.  Bit, efter she fun’ the richt spot, she wraxed ma back the ither wey for a whiley, an’ ye ken this, it’s a lot better noo”

“That’s fine Convener, but might it just be psychosomatic?”

“Na, na ….it’s a sair back a’ richt an’ ‘am afa’ grateful tae her ‘cos ‘am a lot better noo.  Mind you, there wisna’ much wrang wi’ ma ain treatment – a warm toddy efter every meal - strictly for medicinal purposes ye ken.”

“And did that prove effective?

“Oh aye – bit it wis a bit o’ a job getting through nine meals a day!!”

“Really Convener that’s no way to deal with minor ailments.  Did you know that alcohol abuse is becoming as prevalent amongst those of….. er….. late middle age..  as it is amongst the younger partygoers who are traditionally thought to be the culprits.”

“Hey, fit’s this late middle age?  I’ll hiv you ken that I’m ane o’ the baby boomers - in the prime o’ my life an’ as fit as a fiddle”

“Yes apart from your cold and chest infection.”

“Oh – aye – but….”

“And your dicky back.”

“Aye but ….”

“And your sciatica and flat feet.”

“Hey min - wait a mintie!  You’re maakin’ me soon’  like a condemned building.  I micht hae ane or twa minor ailments, an’ ‘am maybe nae as good as I aince wis - but I’m as good aince as I eywis wis - so pit that in yer pipe and smoke it!”

“Ah well - that might be difficult because I ‘ve given up smoking - it’s one of my New Year resolutions.”

“Oh weel deen Nigel!  I ken it’s nae easy ‘cos I wis a smoker masel’”. 

“You smoked Convener?

“Oh aye, I stopped the day I wis elected.  Bit ower the years I think  a smoked athin’ there wis - frae Woodbines to Bogie Roll.  Cost ma a fortune and did ma nae good ata’.  So I wish ye every success wi’ yer New Year’s resolution.”

And have you made any resolutions yourself Convener?

“Oh aye -  ‘am gaun tae cut doon on fattenin’ foods.  In particular, marzipan, macaroni and brie”

“But why those in particular?”

“’Cos I canna’ stan’ ‘em!  So, if ‘am goin’ tae hae ony chunce o’ stickin’ tae ma resolution I reckon I should start aff wi’ that lot an’gie masel’ half a chunce”

“Half a chance?  But surely there’s no point if you don’t like these things already.”

“Aye - bit there’s nithin to say that I couldn’a start to like them.  I didna’ start likin’ Tiramisu  ‘till I wis forty year aul’.”

“Convener - Tiramisu wasn’t invented until you were forty years old!”

“(*^&$!!!”

Jingle Bells

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation

“Jingle Bells, Convener.”

“Oh nae you an’ aa’ Nigel.  I’ve jist aboot hid enough o’ aa’ this Christmas cheer an’ YO HO HO’in aa’ o’er the place.  There’s really difficult decisions tae be made in here an’ Christmas disna’ mak’ it oney easier.”

“Yes, I’m sorry Convener.  The budget consultations will have left you with a lot to think about.”

“Aye, bit it’s worse than that… I thocht I wid stan’ ma’ han’ tae gie the Cooncillors a funcy piece wi’ their Christmas fly cup bit there’s nane o’ them can agree fit tae ha’e.  I think their choices are bein’ affected by their political aspirations.  There’s ae lot needin’ Scotch Buns and anither lot insistin’ on Empire Biscuits!  I thocht I’d keep some o’ them happy by hae’in a Battenberg cake, bit it’s a job findin’ ane wi blue squares in it!”

“Well why don’t you have something more traditional like mincemeat pies or even ‘clootie’ dumpling?”

“Na, Na – that’s nae eese.  Gary Coull disna’ like raisins an’ I canna’ tak’ the chunce o’ him spittin’ them oot!”

“Well perhaps you could compromise and get something else for Gary.  Do you know if there’s anything he particularly likes?”

“Weel, he’s a loon frae Keith - so I’ll nae go far wrang wi’ a buttery”

“But a buttery’s not very festive Convener.”

“Ach, I’ll spread it wi cranberry saace an’ pit a bit o’ holly on’t.  That’ll mak’ aa’ the difference!”

“So do you have any other Christmas festivities planned, Convener?”

“Oh naethin’ much Nigel – fit aboot yer ain lot, the officers, are they daein’ onythin’ for Christmas?”

“Oh just the usual, a few office parties here and there – nothing too disorderly.  Of course Sandy Riddell will be off skiing again with the jet set.”

“Oh aye, I heard aboot that.  Bit that’s naethin’ new - Sandy’s been goin’ doonhill for years!”

“Oh, very droll Convener – but are you all organised for Christmas yourself?”

“Weel, I’m daein nae bad considerin that maist ‘ears I dae ma’ shoppin’ at the Shell Garage on the wey hame on Christmas Eve.  Min’ you, I aye think that ye canna’ hae too mony Winter Car Care Kits bit some fowk dinna’ agree!  So this year I’m mair or less sorted.  I’ve got aa’ the femily’s an’ I’ve even got the hardest ane o’ aa’!”

“Whose is that?”

“Ma mithers!”

“Your mother Convener, why that’s remarkable.  And what have you got for her?”

“Weel, I didna’ need tae think for lang – she tel’t ma exactly fit she wis wintin – a Kindle Fire HD.  I tel’t her it wisna’ somethin’ for gettin’ the Aga goin’ bit she said she kens fine fit it’s for, an’ she’s needin’ tae read some o’ yon electronic books.  Nae bad for 88 ‘ear aal, eh?”

“Quite remarkable, Convener.  And, tell me, which books is she interested in?”

“Oh, am nae affa’ sure, bit I got them aff a’ Amazon for her.  I think ane o’ them’s aboot knittin’ patterns or somethin’ like that.  It’s caa’d 50 Shades O’ Grey so I’m expectin’ a gey borin’ jumper oot o’ that lot!”

“Perhaps not as boring as you might expect Convener!  But what about yourself?  Are you going to be up to anything exciting?”

“Na, na, Nigel.  Christmas is nae the same fin ye’re gettin’ on like me.  Nae bairns stockin’s at the fireside.  Nae Santie Claas - oh I fair miss him!”

“Bur Convener, surely you don’t still believe in Santa Claus?”

“Oh, abso-bloomin’-lootley Nigel!.  Jist ‘cos ye dinna’ understan’ somethin’ disna’ mean it’s nae true.  Jist tak’ a look at wir Annual Accoonts – dae you ken fit ‘Amortisation Of Intangible Assets’ is?  Nae chunce – bit that disna’ mean tae say we dinna believe it, or that the Finance Officer disna’ exist!  Aye, there is a Santie Claas – and I’ve seen him wi’ ma ain een!”

“Seen him Convener?”

“Aye, I’ve seen him.  It wis a lang time ago noo tho’ – fin I wis a young Bobby daein’ ma duty as the scourge o’ Banff an’ Buchan, an’ stationed at Boddam.”

“You mean to tell me that you actually saw Santa Claus?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure I did - tho’ I hiv tae admit that it wis Christmas Eve an’ I’d been daein a tour o’ the village pubs jist tae mak sure they were aa’ adherin’ tae the licensin’ regulations.”

“And did you have a drink in any of these pubs?”

“Weel it wis Christmas - so I maybe hid a wee deoch an’ doris here an’ there.”

“Tell me – how many pubs are there in Boddam?”

“Weel ther wis four pubs at that time, bit I jist thocht I’d be sociable - so I did the anes in Cruden Bay as weel!”

“And then you saw Santa Claus?”

“Aye I did, an’ I’ll tell ye this – he’d a richt reed nose!”

“Perhaps that was Rupert, Convener?”

“Na, Na – it wis Santie aa’ richt.  Listen, like aa’ bobbies hiv tae dae, I wrote it doon in ma’ notebook.  So maybe I’ll look it oot an’ pit that in my blog next Christmas.  Richt noo - I’m awaa.  I’m taakin’ twa or three days aff tae enter in tae this Christmas Spirit thing.”

“Well then – Happy Christmas, Convener”

“Aye, an’ Jingle Bells tae you an’ yours, Nigel!"

Hotlines

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation. 

““Aawww yeuch!  Aawww gyaads! That’s disgustin’ that is.”

“Morning Convener – why the grimace?”

“Oh!  Fit like Nigel – you’d be puuin’ faces tae if ye were readin’ this report!”

“Report Convener?”

“Aye, it’s a report that wis up at the Committee the day.  It’s aboot aa’ the unsavoury practices that this Cooncil his tae deal wi’.  A’ve jist got tae the bit aboot dog poo – for gyaads sake it wid pit ye aff ye’r denner!”

“Ah yes!  But I think that it’s more delicately referred to as dog fouling these days”

“Nigel – this is jist you aa’ ower.  Dog fowlin’ soun’s like ma collie’s been chasing a hen.  Ye’d be better caa’in’ a spade a spade and this is jist dog shi……”

“Convener!  That’s highly inappropriate language!

“Ahh weel, ‘ave nae doot that’s fit you’ll say if ye stan’ on’t.”

“So what does the report suggest that we do about it?”

“Weel the report says that we’re daein’ quite a bit aboot it a’ready.  The Community Wardens hiv been sharpenin’ their pincils an’ they’ve already got the names o’ five offenders in their books.”

“Five offenders?  What like,  Fido, Rover, Rex and ……”

“Nigel! I’m nae tellin’ you again.  I dae the funnies in here!!  This is a serious business.  This report says that lots o’ fowk are respondin’ tae this initiative an’ there’s a wheen o’ reports comin’ in aboot faa’s daein it.  An’ afore ye start – it’s the owners’ names, nae the dogs!  I’ve heard there’s even a group o’ dog owners hiv jined the gather tae fecht this menace – jist like fit I used tae dae fin I wis the scourge o’ Banff an’ Buchan”

“Ah yes, Convener.  That would be the Green Dog Walkers.  A very worthwhile initiative.”

“Richt enough.  Bit there’s only one problem – there’s an affa’ shortage o’ green dogs!”

“No Convener – you don’t have to have a green dog.  A Green Dog Walker is someone who cares for the environment and who, when walking their dog, encourages other dog owners to act responsibly and to dispose of any dog mess that may occur.  They’re only GREEN in the environmental sense.”

“Encourage them?  I cwid encourage then a’richt.  I cwid gae them an encouraging size 12 richt up their …..”

“Convener. The days of geriatric bobbies dispensing summary justice are long gone.  Better behaviour can be achieved by education and good example – not by brute force!”

“Aye… well maybe ye’re rich bit there’s ither hooligans costin’ the Cooncil money by their antisocial behaviour.   Tak’ graffiti for instance – I canna’ stan’ grafitti, an’ it costs the Cooncil money tae clear it up.  De ye ken we spent £8,000 last ‘ear removin’ aa’ these vile slanderous remarks aff o’ waa’s aa’ oo’er Moray?”

“Slanderous, Convenor”

“Aye.  Dae ye ken fit ane o’ them said?  It said ‘Stewartie Cree’s a baldy gype’.  Is that nae slander?

“Well, as it’s the written word, it would be more correctly called Libel.  However, I suppose that it could be argued that in some ways it’s a fair description as you must admit that you’ve lost most of your crowning glory!”

“Aye, weel moss disna’ groww on a busy road.  Bit it’s worse than that.  There’s fowk dumpin’ rubbish in lay-bys an’ car parks an’….. oh aa'wey.  The’re jist a menace!”

“Ah, yes – the fly tippers”

“Fly tippers?  There’s naethin’ fly aboot them.  We’ve tae come along an’ redd up aa’ the mess that they mak’ – an’ that’s even mair money spent.  Fit are we goin’ tae dae aboot it?

“Well, one thing that you can do Convener is to remind the public that they can report these sort of incidents to our Hotlines.”

“Hotlines?.  Oh nae mair buzzwords Nigel.  Jist tell it like it is.  Gie ma a list o’ aa’ the numbers that fowk kin phone tae report the grafitti mongers an’ the sofa dumpers an’ I’ll pit it at the bottom o’ ma blog.  If we can get the fowk oot there tae help us then we’ll maybe mak’ a difference”

“And does that hold true for unserviceable street lights Convener?”

“Fit lights, Nigel?”

“Oh just a minute Convener - I think I know that one – ‘Nae bad, foo’s yersel?’”

*(&^$%@#

 The Council's Environmental Health Section will accept complaints relating to dog fouling and will make contact with the dog owner to prevent a recurrence of the practice. Tel: 01343 563345.  Or Report Dog fouling using our online form

If you see anyone dumping rubbish illegally then call the Dumb Dumpers Stop Line on 0845 2 30 40 90, or contact Moray Council at 01343 557045 -  email: waste@moray.gov.uk

For all other cases of antisocial behaviour - call 0800 58 77 197.  You can also use our - online form  to report such behaviour.