Swan Song

“Fit like Nigel?”

“Goodness me Convener, where have you been?”

“Weel, seen as ye’re askin’ a wis jist in the laavy. Fit wis ye needin’ tae ken for oneywey?”

“No Convener , I didn’t mean your physical presence, I was talking about your digital presence, you know, your blog. We haven’t seen sight or sound of that for ages.”

“Ah weel Nigel ye ken fit it’s like, aa’ve jist been ower busy. An’ my blogs a bit like Downton and Strictly - ye dinna hear much aboot them in the summer bit sure enouch, fin the nichts draa’ in, ye hear aboot naethin’ else. Oneywey, fit’s that ye’ve got in the boxie?”

“Oh it’s your office supplies - but I need to ask you about that.”

“Ask me fit?”

“Well you’ve ordered 10 bottles of Tippex. Why on earth would anyone require that amount?”

“Oh aye, ma Tippex, that’s great. A wis needin it fir ma recycling.”

“Recycling Convener? What on earth has Tippex got to do with recycling?”

“Weel it’s aa this cutbacks. Ye see we’ve nae money for luxuries like Christmas Cards but fin aa wiz haein’ a redd oot last week aa fun’ a great pile o’ aal’ Christmas Cards at the back o’ the office press. They’d come frae aa’’ oo’er the place an some o’ them wis gey fantoosh. So I thocht ti’ masel’ - if ah jist Tippexed oot the signatures, an gee them a bit dicht up - they wid dae jist fine this year tae send oot frae the Moray Cooncil Convener tae ah his freen’s.”

“To all your friends Convener? Well that’s one blessing - you won’t need too many!”

“Jist watch it sunshine! The Moray Cooncil is damnt near the top o’ the league fir recycling so ah’ll jist dae a wee bit mair! There’s nithin’ wrang wi’ improving yer green credentials ye ken - an’ it’ll aye save a bitty mair money.”

“Well be that as it may but I can’t help feel that it will present a very poor image”.

“Peer image? Am nae usin’ a photae o’ masel’ ye ken. It’ll jist be fitivver’s on the cards that ah got.”

“Noooo Convener! I didn’t mean your image I meant the image of the Council It will make us seem to be very penny pinching.”

“Abso-blooming-lootely Nigel, cos ‘ats jist fit we’re aa’ aboot.”

“Well if that’s the case I can’t see that you’re saving much money anyway - what with the cost of postage these days.”

“Oh ah ken - it’s jist a damned disgrace. It costs 12 bob noo fir a first class stamp! My Granny cwid feed a femily o’ fower on that amount o’ money an’ still hae change fir a nicht oot at the pictures an’ a fish supper!”

“Please Convener we’ve agreed to keep your Granny out of these discussions.”

“Weel am nae caring – it’s still 12 bob for a stamp. I kin min’ fan that wis the cost o a dog licence.”

“A what, Convener?”

“Oh it disnae metter - ‘cos aa’ve come up wi’ an idea tae save us the cost o postage oneywey.”

“And what would that be, Convener?”

“Boy Scouts.”

“Boy Scouts, Convener?”

“Aye, ye mak’ a smaa’ donation tae the Boy Scouts an’ they go oot an deliver aa’ yer Christmas cards for ye.”

“But Convener, some of the people you send cards to are not local. How do you expect the Scouts to deliver Christmas Cards all over the country?”

“Weel I dinnae ken - maybe ane o’ them’s got a bike?”

“Convener, you can’t have Boy Scouts cycling all over the country at your bidding just to save a few pence.”

“Weel, mony a mickle mak’s a muckle an’ aam jist tryin t’dae ma bit.”

“Yes Convener!”

“Ah weel, that’s ma’ swansong. Bye bye aabody – hae’ yersel’s a Couthy Christmas and I wish ye aa’ the best for the New Year.”

Economy Drive

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation.  Follow me on Twitter - @Stewart_Cree

 

“Morning Convener, what on earth are you doing under your desk?”

“Oh, fit like Nigel?  I’m jist hae’in a good rake aboot.  I ken I hid a lottery ticket lyin’ aboot somewey an’ I canna’ find it.  It micht o’ fell on the fleer under ma’ desk”

“Is it a winner Convener?”

“A’ve nae bloomin’ idea Nigel – bit I’ve got tae find it ‘cos there’s only eight ‘oors tae go!”

“Eight hours to go?  To go to what Convener”

“Eight ‘oors tae go until I canna’ mak’ a claim on it.  Did ye nae hear the news?  There’s a jackpot ticket worth £64 million oot there somewey and if it’s nae claimed by eleven o’clock the nicht - then it’s tatties o’er the side”

“Tatties? Convener”

“Aye, tatties – ye ken po-tat-oes, pommes de terre.  An’, if that ticket’s nae fun’ afore eleven o’clock, then the ‘pommes de terre’ will be richt ‘dans la mer’.”

“Oh whatever Convener but what makes you think that you’ve won it?”

“Ah dinna ken Nigel but a’ve got a feelin’ in ma waaters that something good is comin’ oor wey.  Last week I won a raffle at the Sports Moray Awards and twice this week I found 20p in the coffee machine.  Things is definitely lookin’ up!!

“But Convener, the missing lottery ticket was sold in Hertfordshire six months ago – how on earth could you be the winner?”

“That’s as maybe, but I’m nae taakin’ ony chances.  Wi’ a hole in the budget like we’re goin’ tae hae, £64 million’s worth scrabblin aboot on the fleer for.”

“Convener – I fear you’re going to have to be more realistic and look at other ways of saving money.  I see you have a meeting tomorrow in Edinburgh – have you ever thought about Video Conferencing?”

“Video – fittie?”

“Video Conferencing, Convener.  It’s a way of attending a conference without actually being there.”

“Waaait a mintie.  Attendin’ wi’oot bein’ there?  Are you haein’ me on?  A’ve been at plenty meetings wi’ fowk that are ‘nae aa’ there’ but at least their bums wiz on the seats!  Foo can a’ be there an’ nae be there?”

“Well, you’re image will be there and the other members of the committee will see and hear you because you’ll be connected to the meeting through a video link.”

“Fit, like the telly?”

“Yes Convener, although you’ll actually appear in a box on a large screen along with other members who are Video Conferencing”

“Oh!  I see – like Celebrity Squares.  Dis Terry Wogan run it?”

“No Convener, this has nothing to do with game shows or Terry Wogan.  It’s simply a way of saving time and money”

“Well ‘am aa’ for that.  Sign ma up – Scotty.  Jist one thing though.”

“What’s that Convener”

“I wint tae be in the top row!”

“I’ll do my best Convener, now what about some other savings.  Christmas cards for instance”

“Oh dinna’ mention Christmas Nigel!  I’m daein’ ma best tae ignore it, bit it’s richt on top o’ us noo.  I even got ane o’ yon Christmas cards far they gie ye the hale story o’ their life ower the past twal’ month.”

“Oh yes Convener – a Round Robin”

“Aye, fitiver, bit the ane I got disna’ bob along!  It’s frae a wifie bummin’ aboot Lucinda winnin’ the gymkhana and Torquil ‘findin’ himsel’ in Kathmandu.  Fit’s that got tae dae wi’ me?”

“Yes, well these annual updates do tend to guild the lily somewhat.  But you could do something similar in your Blog – you know, a short, to-the-point, resumé of your first 6 months in the Convener’s chair”

“Awa’ ye go!.  Ye’d be better gettin’ Roddy Burns tae dae that – he’s short and tae the point!  Look, there’s nae been much o’ a festive feel aboot the last 6 months an’ a’ dinna wint tae pit the dampers on fit’s left.  Maybe I’ll leave that tae the New Year” 

“So no official Christmas cards this year then?”

“Na, na, Nigel – this is anither belt-tichtenin’ opportunity.  Hiv ye seen the price o’ stamps?  50 pence for second class!  It’s a liberty. 50 pence is ten shillin’s.  Fin I wiz at College I could ha’e a first-class denner and a guid nicht oot for ten shillins - and noo aa’ I can dae is send a beggin’ letter!.  My granny could……”

“Please Convener – If you’re going to bring up your granny again I feel it’s time to leave.  But before I go - remember those 20p’s you found in the Coffee machine?”

“Aye, oh dinna tell ma they wiz yours!”

“No Convener – I believe they were your change!!”

“**()*^&!!”



"Celebrity" Squares