Tuesday, 12 February 2013

The Only Constant Is Change

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree's Blog see Nigel's Blog above or go directly to this link
“Aye Aye Nigel – Fit’s daein’ the day?”

“Well Convener, I wanted a word with you about your blog.”

“Fit aboot ma’ blog?”

“Well that’s rather the point.  What about it indeed!  I’ve heard rumblings that you haven’t been very active on that front lately.  There’s been nothing heard from you for a fortnight!”

“Aye, fair dues… bit I hiv been tryin’ – honestly.  It’s jist that every time I get somethin’ doon on paper aathin’ changes before I kin get it ontae ma blog.”

“What do you mean – everything changes?”

“Weel, jist the ither week I wiz sayin’ foo unseasonable it hid been an’, as seen as I hid said that, we wiz up tae oor oxters in sna’.  I hid tae tak’ that bit oot or else they’d aa’ be blamin’ me for bringin’ it on. 

“Well you might have been tempting fate a bit but you surely can’t blame yourself simply because the weather does the opposite of what predict”.

“Ah weel that’s as maybe - bit try tellin’ that tae Michael Fish.  Oneywey, it’s nae that bad noo so we’ll jist hae tae glory on.  Then there wis ma letter tae the Pope.”

“The Pope, Convener?”.

“Oh aye – I wiz goin tae tell aabody aboot ma letter tae the Pope …. bit as soon as I hid written it doon – he’d resigned!!”

“Well but I’m sure that your reader will still be interested in that.  We don’t have a lot of correspondence with the Vatican.  What prompted you to write?”

“Weel, I jist winted tae congratulate the Pope on catchin’ up wi’ me an’ getting himsel’ ontae the social media scene.  He’s started twitterin ye ken.”

“Now we’ve had this conversation before Convener!  People using Twitter, tweet.  But why is this of particular interest to you?”

“Well, ye ken fit they say - imitation is the sincerest form o’ flattery- an’ the Pope’s tweetin’ in Doric as weel.”

“The Pope’s tweeting in Doric?”

“Aye….. well maybe nae in my Doric.  He’s tweetin’ in his ain Doric – Latin.”

“Latin is the Pope’s Doric?”

“Aye of course it is.  It’s the auld language o’ the Romans - jist like Doric is the auld language o’ the fowk fae Moray.  So I’m thinkin’ that the Pope his cotton’d on tae my idea an’ is usin’ Latin for his twits.”

Tweets, Convener.”

“Aye aye - it’s aa’ the same thing.  So I thocht I wid jist send him a wee notie tae congratulate him on his novel, weel nearly novel,  approach.”

“And have you written your….er….. notie  in Doric?

“Weel, no - but a hiv tae accept that, file Doric’s ane o’ the world’s maist romantic languages – jist like Italian -  it’s maybe nae aa’ that weel understood these days – specially doon the Vatican wey -  so I’ve hid tae dae ma usual translation for him.”

“Well I’m sure that the Pope will be gratified to learn of your admiration for his foray into the age of digital communication, but I think it’s stretching a point a bit to suggest that Doric is a language with romantic overtones similar to those found in Italian”.

“Oh nane the bit!.  Doric’s as romantic as ony ither language… It’s maybe jist a bit mair straight tae the pint.  You ken hoo the Italian’s micht say “Ciao Amore! – a’ wanna cradle a’ you inna ma arms ana shower you witha ma hot keesses”?  In Doric ye’d say “Fit like bonny quine?  Ye gonna gie’s a bosie?”  So there you are, jist exactly the same - bit in half the time!”

“Convener, I’ve no idea what a ‘bosie’ is and I believe I might do well to remain ignorant.  But this isn’t providing any material for your blog.  Can’t you think of anything that’s topical but not subject to sudden change?”


“No that’s been overdone – oh! I did it again – horsemeat…. overdone!  Do you get it?”

“Aye… bit only frae Findus … there’s nae horsemeat selt in oor butchers.  Nae Shergarburgers or Triggermince in Moray!  Bit ye’re richt… that story’s been roon the hooses mair than the joke aboot the White Horse that went intae a bar.  The barman looked at it and said – “here – we’ve got a whisky named efter you.”  The horse looked at him an’ said….”Fit? Eric?!”

“Convener… I despair, you’re just avoiding the issue.  You’ll need to find something that people are interested in and that won’t change overnight.”

“Aa’ve got it!.  I’ll pit it oot next week.”

“Won’t it change by then?”

“Na, na – this ane goes on forever!”

“What on earth is it then?”

“Budget cuts!!!!”

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