Swan Song

“Fit like Nigel?”

“Goodness me Convener, where have you been?”

“Weel, seen as ye’re askin’ a wis jist in the laavy. Fit wis ye needin’ tae ken for oneywey?”

“No Convener , I didn’t mean your physical presence, I was talking about your digital presence, you know, your blog. We haven’t seen sight or sound of that for ages.”

“Ah weel Nigel ye ken fit it’s like, aa’ve jist been ower busy. An’ my blogs a bit like Downton and Strictly - ye dinna hear much aboot them in the summer bit sure enouch, fin the nichts draa’ in, ye hear aboot naethin’ else. Oneywey, fit’s that ye’ve got in the boxie?”

“Oh it’s your office supplies - but I need to ask you about that.”

“Ask me fit?”

“Well you’ve ordered 10 bottles of Tippex. Why on earth would anyone require that amount?”

“Oh aye, ma Tippex, that’s great. A wis needin it fir ma recycling.”

“Recycling Convener? What on earth has Tippex got to do with recycling?”

“Weel it’s aa this cutbacks. Ye see we’ve nae money for luxuries like Christmas Cards but fin aa wiz haein’ a redd oot last week aa fun’ a great pile o’ aal’ Christmas Cards at the back o’ the office press. They’d come frae aa’’ oo’er the place an some o’ them wis gey fantoosh. So I thocht ti’ masel’ - if ah jist Tippexed oot the signatures, an gee them a bit dicht up - they wid dae jist fine this year tae send oot frae the Moray Cooncil Convener tae ah his freen’s.”

“To all your friends Convener? Well that’s one blessing - you won’t need too many!”

“Jist watch it sunshine! The Moray Cooncil is damnt near the top o’ the league fir recycling so ah’ll jist dae a wee bit mair! There’s nithin’ wrang wi’ improving yer green credentials ye ken - an’ it’ll aye save a bitty mair money.”

“Well be that as it may but I can’t help feel that it will present a very poor image”.

“Peer image? Am nae usin’ a photae o’ masel’ ye ken. It’ll jist be fitivver’s on the cards that ah got.”

“Noooo Convener! I didn’t mean your image I meant the image of the Council It will make us seem to be very penny pinching.”

“Abso-blooming-lootely Nigel, cos ‘ats jist fit we’re aa’ aboot.”

“Well if that’s the case I can’t see that you’re saving much money anyway - what with the cost of postage these days.”

“Oh ah ken - it’s jist a damned disgrace. It costs 12 bob noo fir a first class stamp! My Granny cwid feed a femily o’ fower on that amount o’ money an’ still hae change fir a nicht oot at the pictures an’ a fish supper!”

“Please Convener we’ve agreed to keep your Granny out of these discussions.”

“Weel am nae caring – it’s still 12 bob for a stamp. I kin min’ fan that wis the cost o a dog licence.”

“A what, Convener?”

“Oh it disnae metter - ‘cos aa’ve come up wi’ an idea tae save us the cost o postage oneywey.”

“And what would that be, Convener?”

“Boy Scouts.”

“Boy Scouts, Convener?”

“Aye, ye mak’ a smaa’ donation tae the Boy Scouts an’ they go oot an deliver aa’ yer Christmas cards for ye.”

“But Convener, some of the people you send cards to are not local. How do you expect the Scouts to deliver Christmas Cards all over the country?”

“Weel I dinnae ken - maybe ane o’ them’s got a bike?”

“Convener, you can’t have Boy Scouts cycling all over the country at your bidding just to save a few pence.”

“Weel, mony a mickle mak’s a muckle an’ aam jist tryin t’dae ma bit.”

“Yes Convener!”

“Ah weel, that’s ma’ swansong. Bye bye aabody – hae’ yersel’s a Couthy Christmas and I wish ye aa’ the best for the New Year.”

The Blood Donor (II)

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree's Blog see Nigel's Blog above or go directly to this link

“Good evening Convener – you’re working late tonight - I was just about to lock up.”

“Oh fit like Nigel? I’m jist gettin’ ready for ma Civic Duties doon at the Toon Hall”

“Civic Duties Convener?”

“Aye, I’m awa doon tae the Blood Donors Award Ceremony, so I’m jist gie’in ma chain a wee bit polish afore aa go”

“Ah yes, Blood Donors, a most worthwhile and commendable sacrifice.  Are you making many awards?”

“Oh aye.  There’s 34 fowk getting’ awards for gie’in dam’t near 2,000 pints o’ blood!  So I wis hopin’ I wid pick up a few tips”.

“Tips about giving blood?”

“Na na Nigel.  It’s tips aboot the budget that aa’m needin’.  Aa’m fair scunnert tryin’ tae get enugh siller oot o’ the Government to pey aa’ oor bills – an’ ony chance o’ pittin’ up the cooncil tax a bitty his gone rich toot the windae ‘cos we’re nae allowed tae dae that.  So - aa thocht I’d turn tae the experts.”

“Well I am sure that the Blood Transfusion Service is very prudent in its financial management, but I don’t know how they can help you in your dealings with the Government.”

“Weel I thocht that they wid be jist the billies tae tell ma  hoo’ tae get bleed oot o’ a stane!  An’ file they’re aboot it -  they could, forbyes, come doon to the Cooncil Chambers on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s aboot 11 o’clock.  Aa some think there’s a few Cooncillors that wid be prepared to volunteer tae gie blood aboot that time.”

“At 11 O’clock Convener?.  Why on earth would they volunteer at 11 O’clock?”

“Well it’s aa’ this cuts ye see.  The ither week we pit a moratorium on tea and biscuits for Cooncillors - so at 11 o’clock, fin we used tae hae wir fly cup, the best we can manage noo - is a glass o’ waater.  So there’s a fair chunce that, if the blood transfusion van came doon, the Cooncillors wid volunteer jist tae get a cup o tea and a Jammie Dodger.”

Convener, you can’t go giving blood every week for the sake of a custard cream or a bourbon.  That’s not the spirit at all – and I trust that you’ve been a regular donor yourself?

“Ahhh…. weel, there’s the rub.  There’s a wee bit o’ a problem there.  Ye see – for a laang time I wis prevented frae giein’ blood on accoont o’ a medical condition.”

 “And what condition was that?

“I wis feart!.  Aa jist couldna’ look at a needle wi’oot feelin’ faint. Even ma grannie danin’ socks set ma aff.  I think it wis aa’ Tony Hancock’s fault.  He wis aye goin’ on aboot a pint o’ blood bein a hale ermfae - an’ I didna’ realise he wis only jokin!  Bit dinna you go tellin’ aabody - ‘cos it’s ane o’ my darker secrets an’ I’m probably too auld noo tae change.”

“But Convener – you’re supposed to set an example.  If you don’t practice what you preach you’ll be accused of being a hypocrite.”

“A hippo fit?”

“A hypocrite – someone who says one thing but does another.”

“Dinna’ you dare mention Politicians!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it Convener and your secret’s safe with me….provided…..”

“Provided fit?”

“Provided you mend the error of your ways and at the very least make enquiries tonight as to whether you’re suitable as a blood donor”

“Or else?”

“Or else there may be a leak of confidential information concerning the Convener’s blood donor history”

“Hoo big a leak?”

“Oh – about a pint I imagine”

“Oh touché Nigel – aa’ll dae it – aa’ll dae it!”

“Well, I’ll hold you to your word Convener”

“@**$£**”

 

It’s never too late.  You can start giving blood anytime up to your 66th birthday so for more details about how you can mend the error of your ways visit the Scottish Blood Transfusion Service on:-

http://www.scotblood.co.uk/

Some of the recipients of the Awards

Workshops

For an easy read version of all Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog, and for the translation of this post use this direct link.

“Two forty five … two sixty five … two seventy five … two eighty.  Nae enough!”

“Good morning Convener, still figuring out the budget?”

“Aye Nigel, rich noo I’m on the Catering Budget.  It’s a bit o’ a job though.”

“So how much have you got so far?”

“Well ‘am at two eighty, but it’s nae enough!”

“Two hundred and eighty thousand pounds off of the catering budget?  That’s remarkable – and you don’t think it’s enough?”

“Awa’ ye go!  I’ve got two pounds an’ eighty pence!  But it’s nae enough for a three poun’ sandwich for ma denner oot o’ thon vendin’ machine.  My budget’s jist like the Cooncil’s – my stomach has demands and expectations that canna’ be met wi’ ‘current resources’.”

“Well, we’re all going to have to make sacrifices Convener.  I suppose that you’ll just have to choose something less expensive”

“Weel I wis goin’ tae hae ‘Tai Chicken in Chilli Sauce’ but I’ll jist hae tae mak dae wi’ tuna or cheese”

“Well that’s the sort of choices that are facing us now.  It’s no good having a caviar lifestyle on a corned beef budget”

“Oh I like corned beef! My Granny ayewis gave us corned beef.  I had corned beef every Tuesday richt up ‘till 1964”

“1964 Convener?”

“Aye, that wis’ the year o’ the Typhoid ootbreak in Aberdeen.  It wis blamed on the corned beef – so efter that we jist hid tae mak’ dee wi’ a biled egg - until Edwina Currie came alang and put the kybosh on them!  Syne wi’ BSE in hamburgers and Listeria in cheese.  It’s a wunner we’ve onythin’ left tae eat a’ ta.  Have ye seen fits in sandwiches nooadays?”

“In them? Convener?”

“Aye, look fit it says on this sandwich packet -“This product contains mechanically recovered chicken”.  Sounds like it fell doon a hole an’ then they howked it oot wi’ a JCB!

“Convener! - you’re off at a tangent again!”

“Aye, bit my granny wid never have ….”

“Yes Convener, I think we’ve heard quite enough about your granny, this is getting us nowhere.  What was it that you wanted to see me about.?”

“Oh! it’s this budget workshop thingie.  I’ve got the first ane in Forres the nicht an’ I dinna ken fit I’m supposed tae say or dae.  I’ve never been tae a workshop before – dae ye hae tae tak’ a hemmer an’ saa?”

“No Convener.  A workshop is an event where people get together to work on options for saving the Council money.  The have discussions and exercises to go through.”

“Exercises?  Oh, I’m nae up for rinnin’ on the spot or star jumps.  Nae at my time o’ life!”

“No Convener.  They’ll be undertaking desktop exercises that help us prioritise the way that money is spent.  You see, our budget’s really about choices – we know we’ll be getting less money so it’s what we use it for that counts.  The people at the workshops help us make these decisions by comparing different council services and deciding which, in their view, need to be protected from any cuts or, alternatively, those that might be reduced.

“So, it’s nae aboot me tellin’ them fit tae dae an’ then listening tae fit they hiv tae say?

“Not at all Convener. That’s not the way it works this time. We want to hear ideas from the public.  That’s why the workshop gives them the opportunity to introduce their own ideas and to challenge the way things are done at present.

“Ye mean they’re goin tae tell me fit tae dae?”

“Absolutely, Convener”

“Well that’s a new idea.  Fa’s idea wis that?”

“Mine Convener!”

“Ah weel, dinna’ get too cocky, ‘cos we’ll probably need aa’ the ideas we can get. Mind you, I’ve nae heard oney frae you – can you help an’ a’?

“Of course Convener”

“A’ richt – lend me 20 pence for ma sandwich then!”

“……..Yes Convener.”

There are still places available for the forthcoming Budget Workshops which will be held as follows;

• Forres area - Forres Town Hall on 16 November 7-9pm
• Buckie area- Fisherman’s Hall on 19 November 7-9pm
• Elgin area - TA Centre on 21 November 7-9pm    
• Keith area - Longmore Hall on 27 November 7-9pm
• Lhanbryde area - Community Centre on 29 November 7-9pm
• Elgin area - Bishopmill Hall on 30 November 7-9pm
• Speyside area - Fleming Hall, Aberlour on 4 December 7-9pm
• Lossiemouth area - Lossiemouth Town Hall on 6 December 7-9pm

Places can be booked by calling 01343 563996 or via the budget consultation section on the Council website at www.moray.gov.uk.   If there are still places available on the night then every effort will be made to accomodate anyone who might turn up, however it should be stressed that this will be strictly on a first come first served basis and we cannot accomodate more than 64 persons at any venue. 

 

Recycling

For an easy read version of all Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog, and for the translation of this post use this direct link.

“Good morning Convener.”

“Fit like Nigel foo’s yer doos?”

“Foo’s my what Convener?”

“Oh it disna metter. Fit’s new the day?”

“Well I was wondering how you were getting on with the budget consultation exercise?  We really need to make sure that our message is getting out there and that people recognise what’s in front of us.”

“Well it’s been nae bad.  I wis up at Aberlour the ither nicht and there wis a fair turnoot.  Mind you, it cwid hae been better ‘cos we were up against Inverness Caley playin’ Rangers in the League Cup.  So maybe that hid somethin’ tae dee wi it”?

“And do you think that the people in Moray now understand the scale of the problem and the sacrifices they may have to make?”

“Well I’m nae afa sure.  There wis a gey few o them seekin mair money to be spent upgrading roads and pittin on mair buses and improvin’ libraries and the like, fin a’ we’re tryin to dee is save money I dinna ken foo tae get the message across.”

“Well what about recycling?  Recycling costs a lot of money you know.  For every ton of rubbish that the Council sends to the landfill sites, it costs us £64 pounds in landfill tax.”

“Landfill tax!  Noo there’s a good idea.  Fit do we spend that money on?”

“No, no Convener, you misunderstand.  The landfill tax is imposed by the Scottish Government.  The money goes to the Government not to the Moray Council.”

“Wait a mintie!  That’s nae fair – we collect the rubbish, trail it a’ the wye to Dallachy an sine we’ve to pey £64 a ton to pit it in the grun!”

“Precisely, Convener.  And the really bad news is that the cost rises by £8 a ton every year.  Its a way of encouraging local authorities to stop sending their refuse to landfill because of the environmental impact that this has on all of us.”

“Is there nae a “get oot” clause?”

“Get out, Convener?”

“Aye.  Ye ken, nudge, nudge , wink, wink.  You boys hiv aye got weys o getting roon aboot this sort o’ thing.  Is there nae some wey we can avoid peyin?”

“I’m afraid not Convener.  The process is strictly monitored.  The only way we can avoid it, is by recycling.  Are you a keen recycler yourself?”

“Oh - fairly that, I’ve been recycling since I wis a bairn.  I even hid a bitsa bike!”

“Bitsa? Convener.?”

“Aye you ken, it wis made frae bitsa ae bike and bitsa anither een.  We got them up at the dump an’ jined them thegither . Syne ye hid a bitza bike!”

“Yes, very good Convener but I think we need more modern examples to encourage people to recycle.”

“Well they can pit their lemonade bottles back for a start!.  My granny aye sent me tae the sweetie shop to get thrupence back on ivry ane.  And it wis the same wi the milk bottles, a quick sweel oot and they were oot the door for the milky in the mornin’ – recycyled!.”

“Yes, Convener.  Most illuminating - but we need to concentrate on the here and now.  Perhaps you should do more to encourage waste food recycling.”

“Waste food recycling?  There’s nithin new aboot that either.  My granny used to keep a bucket at the back door and onythin that wis left ower efter oor denner – mind you there wisna muckle – went in the bucket and syne she fed it tae the hens.  Then, every noo and then, we would recycle a hen”

“Recycle a hen Convener?”

“Aye, she wid dra it’s neck an’ we wid hae it fur wir denner!.  Then a day or twa later, nature wid tak it’s course an’ we wid recycle it”

“CONVENER!, that’s far too much information.”

“Aye but that wis real recycling”

“Well that’s what you’ve got to do now Convener.  You’ve got to help persuade people to use their food recycling containers and cut down the amount of food waste that is sent to landfill.  Remember, every ton of food waste is another £64 pounds.

“Fit aboot a poem?”

“A poem, Convener?”

“Aye, like we hid at school fin we needed tae mind something. Ye ken – Thirty days has September, April June and November .. it made it easier tae mind fit ane wis fit…”

“Well it might work, Convener…”

“A’ Richt, here we go

Dinna’ throw your food waste oot

Nae foosty loaf nor rotten fruit

Nae cabbage leaves or tattie parins

Or brussel sproots left by the bairns

Jist pit it in yer grey container

There ye go -it’s a real no brainer!

“Will ‘at dae?”

“Yes Convener but perhaps you should start with the line “With apologies to William McGonagall””

For further information on how you can help save money by recycling all waste (including food waste) visit the Moray Council website by clicking the link here.

Yes Convener

So they said “You should have a blog”.

”Fit’s ‘at?” I replied.

“Well”, he said, never trying to conceal the diplomatic tone in his voice, “Many Councillors of your ..er… generation  have become somewhat left behind in the field of modern communication.  There’s more to it these days than simply issuing a press release or firing off an email”.

“Email?” I replied, “Oh aye…I can dae email”

“Yes Convener, we know you can do email but today’s generation communicates in an altogether different way.  They explore new digital pathways, you know, Facebook , blogging  and twitter”

“But fit wid I wint tae twit aboot?”

“No Convener, you don’t twit, you tweet.  People using twitter, tweet.”

“And so you wint me to bleet?”

“Bleet Convener?”

“Aye, bleet - ‘cos if twitters tweet, bloggers must bleet”

“No Convener!  I don’t think you’re getting the hang of this although, I have to admit, some of your colleagues have suggested that you do tend to bleat a bit. Nevertheless, bloggers blog.”

“So fit am I supposed to blog aboot onywey?”

“Well Convener, blogging’s about giving a personal insight into what you are doing, what you hope to do and what your ambitions for the Moray Council are.  It’s an intimate exchange of information - rather like a family conversation”.

“So I can blog an’ tell them fit I really think?”

“But of course, Convener”.

“Can I tell them fit I really think….. o’ the opposition?”

“No Convener - that would be most unwise even if those who read the blog might indeed welcome the occasional reflection on such views”

“So fit wid I blog aboot the day?”

“Well Convener, you could tell everyone about the work that you’re doing on the Community Consultation on Council Priorities”

“Och, awa ye go! That wid pit them right aff!.  I thocht ye said I needed tae tell them  something interestin?”

“Yes Convener, but not everything can be interesting.”

“Aye – mair’s the pity, but come tae think o’ it - I wid like tae get them interested in the Community Consultation”.

“Well the first thing you can do is tell them where and when the consultations are taking place”.

“Well I suppose I cwid dae that.  An’ while I’m aboot it, I cwid tell them fit it’s a’ aboot eh?”

“Yes Convener”.

“A’ richt, I’ll gie it a go.  Here we go .. get this doon ….Stewartie Cree - Blog No. 1

The Moray Cooncil is in a richt sotter ‘cos they’re looking at a £30 million cut back.”

“No, no Convener, that’s far too negative.  You need to put it some other way.”

“Oh a richt!.  The Moray Cooncil, like a’body else, is goin’ tae hae tae pull its belt in.  But we need to ken ‘far aboot and foo ticht the belt his tae be dra’an. 

So, seein’ as foo we dinna hae a’ the answers, in fact damn’t few, wir seeking your ideas aboot fit the maist important things are for you and for yer femily and for yer granny and for…. oh!...  jist a’body. 

So if you wint tae mak’ a difference tae the wye the Moray Cooncil spends its siller ower the next fower year, then ye better haud doon tae ane o’ wir Workshops.  There’s a hale list o them at the bottom o this thingymablog  thing.  So haud gaun an’ mak’ sure that you hiv ye’re say. 

We a’ ken it’s nae gaun tae be easy - and I dinna think onybody’ll  be pleased at the hinner eyne.  But the least you can dae is tae tell us fit ye wint - fit ye really - really - wint.  Will that dae?”

“Well, more or less Convener although we could, perhaps, drop the Spice Girls bit at the end!

To find out the dates of the remaining Roadshows and Workshops please visit this link