Swan Song

“Fit like Nigel?”

“Goodness me Convener, where have you been?”

“Weel, seen as ye’re askin’ a wis jist in the laavy. Fit wis ye needin’ tae ken for oneywey?”

“No Convener , I didn’t mean your physical presence, I was talking about your digital presence, you know, your blog. We haven’t seen sight or sound of that for ages.”

“Ah weel Nigel ye ken fit it’s like, aa’ve jist been ower busy. An’ my blogs a bit like Downton and Strictly - ye dinna hear much aboot them in the summer bit sure enouch, fin the nichts draa’ in, ye hear aboot naethin’ else. Oneywey, fit’s that ye’ve got in the boxie?”

“Oh it’s your office supplies - but I need to ask you about that.”

“Ask me fit?”

“Well you’ve ordered 10 bottles of Tippex. Why on earth would anyone require that amount?”

“Oh aye, ma Tippex, that’s great. A wis needin it fir ma recycling.”

“Recycling Convener? What on earth has Tippex got to do with recycling?”

“Weel it’s aa this cutbacks. Ye see we’ve nae money for luxuries like Christmas Cards but fin aa wiz haein’ a redd oot last week aa fun’ a great pile o’ aal’ Christmas Cards at the back o’ the office press. They’d come frae aa’’ oo’er the place an some o’ them wis gey fantoosh. So I thocht ti’ masel’ - if ah jist Tippexed oot the signatures, an gee them a bit dicht up - they wid dae jist fine this year tae send oot frae the Moray Cooncil Convener tae ah his freen’s.”

“To all your friends Convener? Well that’s one blessing - you won’t need too many!”

“Jist watch it sunshine! The Moray Cooncil is damnt near the top o’ the league fir recycling so ah’ll jist dae a wee bit mair! There’s nithin’ wrang wi’ improving yer green credentials ye ken - an’ it’ll aye save a bitty mair money.”

“Well be that as it may but I can’t help feel that it will present a very poor image”.

“Peer image? Am nae usin’ a photae o’ masel’ ye ken. It’ll jist be fitivver’s on the cards that ah got.”

“Noooo Convener! I didn’t mean your image I meant the image of the Council It will make us seem to be very penny pinching.”

“Abso-blooming-lootely Nigel, cos ‘ats jist fit we’re aa’ aboot.”

“Well if that’s the case I can’t see that you’re saving much money anyway - what with the cost of postage these days.”

“Oh ah ken - it’s jist a damned disgrace. It costs 12 bob noo fir a first class stamp! My Granny cwid feed a femily o’ fower on that amount o’ money an’ still hae change fir a nicht oot at the pictures an’ a fish supper!”

“Please Convener we’ve agreed to keep your Granny out of these discussions.”

“Weel am nae caring – it’s still 12 bob for a stamp. I kin min’ fan that wis the cost o a dog licence.”

“A what, Convener?”

“Oh it disnae metter - ‘cos aa’ve come up wi’ an idea tae save us the cost o postage oneywey.”

“And what would that be, Convener?”

“Boy Scouts.”

“Boy Scouts, Convener?”

“Aye, ye mak’ a smaa’ donation tae the Boy Scouts an’ they go oot an deliver aa’ yer Christmas cards for ye.”

“But Convener, some of the people you send cards to are not local. How do you expect the Scouts to deliver Christmas Cards all over the country?”

“Weel I dinnae ken - maybe ane o’ them’s got a bike?”

“Convener, you can’t have Boy Scouts cycling all over the country at your bidding just to save a few pence.”

“Weel, mony a mickle mak’s a muckle an’ aam jist tryin t’dae ma bit.”

“Yes Convener!”

“Ah weel, that’s ma’ swansong. Bye bye aabody – hae’ yersel’s a Couthy Christmas and I wish ye aa’ the best for the New Year.”

Recycling Revisited

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree’s Blog – see Nigel’s Blog above or go directly through this link.

“Nigel, Nigel come ben here a mintie will ye?”

“Good evening Convener you’re working late again.  Is there a problem?”

“Och,  it’s ma blog again Nigel - a’ve got naethin’ tae say”

“Nothing to say Convener?  Why these have been two of the most momentous weeks of your, admittedly short, career - what with the by-election and everything.”

“Oh a ken, I ken, but a’body’s heard  the result so if’a go on aboot it they’ll jist think a’m bein’ smug an craawin’.  An’ ye ken fit they say - pride comes afore a fa’.”

“Yes Convener, but surely the administration is a little more secure now that you’ve got another Independent member.”

“A weel, maybe the peg’s nae as shoogly as it wis afore.  Bit there canna’ be ony room for complacency.  We’ll jist hae tae work awa and try an’ get this job deen.  But that’s nae the pint - I’m needin’ somethin’ to pit in ma blog again.”

“But Convener, you’ve now got plenty scope for political point scoring.”

“Na, na Nigel.  It’s nae the time, an it’s nae the place.  If the sheen hid been on the ither fit I widna’ wint tae girn aboot it - so I’m nae craawin’ either.  I’ll jist hae tae spik aboot somethin’ else.  Fit is there that’s nae controversial?”

“Yes, well that’s a good question because there’s not much on the agenda at the moment that fits that category - what with the western link road and the budget cuts and all that.  Perhaps the safest bet is the wheelie bins.

“Wheelie bins?. Fit’s new aboot wheelie bins?”

“Well, you’ll remember that last year we introduced new recycling facilities for our rural residents.  So this month we’re starting to introduce the same facilities in our urban communities.”

“In the toons?”

“Yes Convener in the…. em  er ….toons”

“So fit’s the difference then?”

“Well the main differences are that we are going to be collecting plastic waste in separate bins and the recycling collections will take place every fortnight rather than weekly at present.”

“Here min -  wait a mintie.  My recycling boxes are dam’t near fu’ at the end o’ a week.  I’ll be in a richt sotter come a fortnicht.”

“Yes Convener but to overcome that, we’re going to issue more bins.  As well as your usual green and brown bins you’ll have a bin for paper and cardboard, another one for plastic and cans and you’ll continue to use your present orange box for glass.  So you should have more than enough room.”

“Have ye seen the amount o’ bottles I pit oot in a fortnicht ?  The beer drinkers o’ Moray will be up in erms!!”

“Well Convener, perhaps it might dissuade them, and you, from over imbibing.  In any case, I sometimes think that politicians and alcohol don’t mix very well.  Look what happened to the MP for Falkirk, Mr Joyce.”

“Oh here - that wis afa’ wisint it?  He’s a gey boy Eric.  Canna’ seem to bide oot o’ bather.  Bit you ken fit really surprised me?”

“No, what was that Convener?”

“He wis in the Hoose o’ Commons - in a Sports Bar !”

“Yes, well there are over 600 MP’s. I suppose they need somewhere to relax every now and then.”

“Aye - bit that’s nae the pint.  I thocht they wid hae a bit mair class than haein’ “Sports Bars”.  An’ ye ken fit they were daein?”

No what was that Convener?

“They were haein’ a Karaoke nicht.  That’s nae fit ye expect fae MP’s.  That’s mair the kin’ o’ thing ye’d find in the Ploo on a Seterday nicht.  I thocht that MP’s wid hae somethin’ a bit mair sophisticated.  Ye ken - like maybe a wee string quartet in the corner.  I didna’ expect them to be murderin’ Status Quo or gein it laldy wi “My Way”.  That’s jist destroyed the picter I hid o’ them aa’ sittin’ there, wi’ a bit o gravitas, listening to Bach or Schubert.”

“But Convener, everyone is entitled to a bit of relaxation.”

“I ken Nigel, but this is the Hoose o’ Commons.  Fit will they be daein’ next - playin’ bingo?  Ye can jist imagine the Speaker daein’ the bingo numbers – Chancellors Hoose - number 11, Davie’s Den - number 10,  aa’ the Greens - number 1.  It jist disna’ bear thinkin’ aboot!!”

“Convener you are ranting again.  You’d better get back to the topic - the plans for rolling out the wheelie bins?”

“Oh that’s a good ane Nigel!  Rolling oot the wheelie bins - bit a keep telling ye - I dae the funnies in here!  So fit’s the story?”

“Well the first phase of the roll… I mean the project commenced on Friday 15^th March when the new bins were issued to householders in Alves and we’ll continue throughout Moray so that, hopefully, all our households will be using the new system by Friday 3^rd May.

“So if onybody his ony questions, far aboot should they go?”

“Well Convener every affected household will receive a leaflet before their bins arrive, and another delivered with their bins which explains exactly what is going to happen.  However if they have any further questions they can visit the Council’s website at www.moray.gov.uk or telephone our Waste Hotline on 01343 557045.”

“So come 3^rd May it’ll aa’ be sorted?”

“Absolutely Convener - in every sense of the word!!!”

If you need any advice or assistance with any aspect of the Council’s recycling programme, please visit the website link above or contact 01343 557045.

Recycling

For an easy read version of all Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog, and for the translation of this post use this direct link.

“Good morning Convener.”

“Fit like Nigel foo’s yer doos?”

“Foo’s my what Convener?”

“Oh it disna metter. Fit’s new the day?”

“Well I was wondering how you were getting on with the budget consultation exercise?  We really need to make sure that our message is getting out there and that people recognise what’s in front of us.”

“Well it’s been nae bad.  I wis up at Aberlour the ither nicht and there wis a fair turnoot.  Mind you, it cwid hae been better ‘cos we were up against Inverness Caley playin’ Rangers in the League Cup.  So maybe that hid somethin’ tae dee wi it”?

“And do you think that the people in Moray now understand the scale of the problem and the sacrifices they may have to make?”

“Well I’m nae afa sure.  There wis a gey few o them seekin mair money to be spent upgrading roads and pittin on mair buses and improvin’ libraries and the like, fin a’ we’re tryin to dee is save money I dinna ken foo tae get the message across.”

“Well what about recycling?  Recycling costs a lot of money you know.  For every ton of rubbish that the Council sends to the landfill sites, it costs us £64 pounds in landfill tax.”

“Landfill tax!  Noo there’s a good idea.  Fit do we spend that money on?”

“No, no Convener, you misunderstand.  The landfill tax is imposed by the Scottish Government.  The money goes to the Government not to the Moray Council.”

“Wait a mintie!  That’s nae fair – we collect the rubbish, trail it a’ the wye to Dallachy an sine we’ve to pey £64 a ton to pit it in the grun!”

“Precisely, Convener.  And the really bad news is that the cost rises by £8 a ton every year.  Its a way of encouraging local authorities to stop sending their refuse to landfill because of the environmental impact that this has on all of us.”

“Is there nae a “get oot” clause?”

“Get out, Convener?”

“Aye.  Ye ken, nudge, nudge , wink, wink.  You boys hiv aye got weys o getting roon aboot this sort o’ thing.  Is there nae some wey we can avoid peyin?”

“I’m afraid not Convener.  The process is strictly monitored.  The only way we can avoid it, is by recycling.  Are you a keen recycler yourself?”

“Oh - fairly that, I’ve been recycling since I wis a bairn.  I even hid a bitsa bike!”

“Bitsa? Convener.?”

“Aye you ken, it wis made frae bitsa ae bike and bitsa anither een.  We got them up at the dump an’ jined them thegither . Syne ye hid a bitza bike!”

“Yes, very good Convener but I think we need more modern examples to encourage people to recycle.”

“Well they can pit their lemonade bottles back for a start!.  My granny aye sent me tae the sweetie shop to get thrupence back on ivry ane.  And it wis the same wi the milk bottles, a quick sweel oot and they were oot the door for the milky in the mornin’ – recycyled!.”

“Yes, Convener.  Most illuminating - but we need to concentrate on the here and now.  Perhaps you should do more to encourage waste food recycling.”

“Waste food recycling?  There’s nithin new aboot that either.  My granny used to keep a bucket at the back door and onythin that wis left ower efter oor denner – mind you there wisna muckle – went in the bucket and syne she fed it tae the hens.  Then, every noo and then, we would recycle a hen”

“Recycle a hen Convener?”

“Aye, she wid dra it’s neck an’ we wid hae it fur wir denner!.  Then a day or twa later, nature wid tak it’s course an’ we wid recycle it”

“CONVENER!, that’s far too much information.”

“Aye but that wis real recycling”

“Well that’s what you’ve got to do now Convener.  You’ve got to help persuade people to use their food recycling containers and cut down the amount of food waste that is sent to landfill.  Remember, every ton of food waste is another £64 pounds.

“Fit aboot a poem?”

“A poem, Convener?”

“Aye, like we hid at school fin we needed tae mind something. Ye ken – Thirty days has September, April June and November .. it made it easier tae mind fit ane wis fit…”

“Well it might work, Convener…”

“A’ Richt, here we go

Dinna’ throw your food waste oot

Nae foosty loaf nor rotten fruit

Nae cabbage leaves or tattie parins

Or brussel sproots left by the bairns

Jist pit it in yer grey container

There ye go -it’s a real no brainer!

“Will ‘at dae?”

“Yes Convener but perhaps you should start with the line “With apologies to William McGonagall””

For further information on how you can help save money by recycling all waste (including food waste) visit the Moray Council website by clicking the link here.