Monday, 17 December 2012


For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation

““Aawww yeuch!  Aawww gyaads! That’s disgustin’ that is.”
“Morning Convener – why the grimace?”
“Oh!  Fit like Nigel – you’d be puuin’ faces tae if ye were readin’ this report!”
“Report Convener?”
“Aye, it’s a report that wis up at the Committee the day.  It’s aboot aa’ the unsavoury practices that this Cooncil his tae deal wi’.  A’ve jist got tae the bit aboot dog poo – for gyaads sake it wid pit ye aff ye’r denner!”
“Ah yes!  But I think that it’s more delicately referred to as dog fouling these days”
“Nigel – this is jist you aa’ ower.  Dog fowlin’ soun’s like ma collie’s been chasing a hen.  Ye’d be better caa’in’ a spade a spade and this is jist dog shi……”
Convener!  That’s highly inappropriate language!
“Ahh weel, ‘ave nae doot that’s fit you’ll say if ye stan’ on’t.”
“So what does the report suggest that we do about it?”
“Weel the report says that we’re daein’ quite a bit aboot it a’ready.  The Community Wardens hiv been sharpenin’ their pincils an’ they’ve already got the names o’ five offenders in their books.”
“Five offenders?  What like,  Fido, Rover, Rex and ……”
“Nigel! I’m nae tellin’ you again.  I dae the funnies in here!!  This is a serious business.  This report says that lots o’ fowk are respondin’ tae this initiative an’ there’s a wheen o’ reports comin’ in aboot faa’s daein it.  An’ afore ye start – it’s the owners’ names, nae the dogs!  I’ve heard there’s even a group o’ dog owners hiv jined the gather tae fecht this menace – jist like fit I used tae dae fin I wis the scourge o’ Banff an’ Buchan”
“Ah yes, Convener.  That would be the Green Dog Walkers.  A very worthwhile initiative.”
“Richt enough.  Bit there’s only one problem – there’s an affa’ shortage o’ green dogs!”
“No Convener – you don’t have to have a green dog.  A Green Dog Walker is someone who cares for the environment and who, when walking their dog, encourages other dog owners to act responsibly and to dispose of any dog mess that may occur.  They’re only GREEN in the environmental sense.”
“Encourage them?  I cwid encourage then a’richt.  I cwid gae them an encouraging size 12 richt up their …..”
Convener. The days of geriatric bobbies dispensing summary justice are long gone.  Better behaviour can be achieved by education and good example – not by brute force!”
“Aye… well maybe ye’re rich bit there’s ither hooligans costin’ the Cooncil money by their antisocial behaviour.   Tak’ graffiti for instance – I canna’ stan’ grafitti, an’ it costs the Cooncil money tae clear it up.  De ye ken we spent £8,000 last ‘ear removin’ aa’ these vile slanderous remarks aff o’ waa’s aa’ oo’er Moray?”
“Slanderous, Convenor”
“Aye.  Dae ye ken fit ane o’ them said?  It said ‘Stewartie Cree’s a baldy gype’.  Is that nae slander?
“Well, as it’s the written word, it would be more correctly called Libel.  However, I suppose that it could be argued that in some ways it’s a fair description as you must admit that you’ve lost most of your crowning glory!”
“Aye, weel moss disna’ groww on a busy road.  Bit it’s worse than that.  There’s fowk dumpin’ rubbish in lay-bys an’ car parks an’….. oh aa'wey.  The’re jist a menace!”
“Ah, yes – the fly tippers”
“Fly tippers?  There’s naethin’ fly aboot them.  We’ve tae come along an’ redd up aa’ the mess that they mak’ – an’ that’s even mair money spent.  Fit are we goin’ tae dae aboot it?
“Well, one thing that you can do Convener is to remind the public that they can report these sort of incidents to our Hotlines.”
“Hotlines?.  Oh nae mair buzzwords Nigel.  Jist tell it like it is.  Gie ma a list o’ aa’ the numbers that fowk kin phone tae report the grafitti mongers an’ the sofa dumpers an’ I’ll pit it at the bottom o’ ma blog.  If we can get the fowk oot there tae help us then we’ll maybe mak’ a difference”
“And does that hold true for unserviceable street lights Convener?”
“Fit lights, Nigel?”
“Oh just a minute Convener - I think I know that one – ‘Nae bad, foo’s yersel?’”
 The Council's Environmental Health Section will accept complaints relating to dog fouling and will make contact with the dog owner to prevent a recurrence of the practice. Tel: 01343 563345.  Or Report Dog fouling using our online form

If you see anyone dumping rubbish illegally then call the Dumb Dumpers Stop Line on 0845 2 30 40 90, or contact Moray Council at 01343 557045 -  email:

For all other cases of antisocial behaviour - call 0800 58 77 197.  You can also use our - online form  to report such behaviour.

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