Friday, 21 December 2012

Jingle Bells

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation
“Jingle Bells, Convener.”
“Oh nae you an’ aa’ Nigel.  I’ve jist aboot hid enough o’ aa’ this Christmas cheer an’ YO HO HO’in aa’ o’er the place.  There’s really difficult decisions tae be made in here an’ Christmas disna’ mak’ it oney easier.”
“Yes, I’m sorry Convener.  The budget consultations will have left you with a lot to think about.”
“Aye, bit it’s worse than that… I thocht I wid stan’ ma’ han’ tae gie the Cooncillors a funcy piece wi’ their Christmas fly cup bit there’s nane o’ them can agree fit tae ha’e.  I think their choices are bein’ affected by their political aspirations.  There’s ae lot needin’ Scotch Buns and anither lot insistin’ on Empire Biscuits!  I thocht I’d keep some o’ them happy by hae’in a Battenberg cake, bit it’s a job findin’ ane wi blue squares in it!”
“Well why don’t you have something more traditional like mincemeat pies or even ‘clootie’ dumpling?”
“Na, Na – that’s nae eese.  Gary Coull disna’ like raisins an’ I canna’ tak’ the chunce o’ him spittin’ them oot!”
“Well perhaps you could compromise and get something else for Gary.  Do you know if there’s anything he particularly likes?”
“Weel, he’s a loon frae Keith - so I’ll nae go far wrang wi’ a buttery”
“But a buttery’s not very festive Convener.”
“Ach, I’ll spread it wi cranberry saace an’ pit a bit o’ holly on’t.  That’ll mak’ aa’ the difference!”
“So do you have any other Christmas festivities planned, Convener?”
“Oh naethin’ much Nigel – fit aboot yer ain lot, the officers, are they daein’ onythin’ for Christmas?”
“Oh just the usual, a few office parties here and there – nothing too disorderly.  Of course Sandy Riddell will be off skiing again with the jet set.”
“Oh aye, I heard aboot that.  Bit that’s naethin’ new - Sandy’s been goin’ doonhill for years!”
“Oh, very droll Convener – but are you all organised for Christmas yourself?”
“Weel, I’m daein nae bad considerin that maist ‘ears I dae ma’ shoppin’ at the Shell Garage on the wey hame on Christmas Eve.  Min’ you, I aye think that ye canna’ hae too mony Winter Car Care Kits bit some fowk dinna’ agree!  So this year I’m mair or less sorted.  I’ve got aa’ the femily’s an’ I’ve even got the hardest ane o’ aa’!”
“Whose is that?”
“Ma mithers!”
“Your mother Convener, why that’s remarkable.  And what have you got for her?”
“Weel, I didna’ need tae think for lang – she tel’t ma exactly fit she wis wintin – a Kindle Fire HD.  I tel’t her it wisna’ somethin’ for gettin’ the Aga goin’ bit she said she kens fine fit it’s for, an’ she’s needin’ tae read some o’ yon electronic books.  Nae bad for 88 ‘ear aal, eh?”
“Quite remarkable, Convener.  And, tell me, which books is she interested in?”
“Oh, am nae affa’ sure, bit I got them aff a’ Amazon for her.  I think ane o’ them’s aboot knittin’ patterns or somethin’ like that.  It’s caa’d 50 Shades O’ Grey so I’m expectin’ a gey borin’ jumper oot o’ that lot!”
“Perhaps not as boring as you might expect Convener!  But what about yourself?  Are you going to be up to anything exciting?”
“Na, na, Nigel.  Christmas is nae the same fin ye’re gettin’ on like me.  Nae bairns stockin’s at the fireside.  Nae Santie Claas - oh I fair miss him!”
“Bur Convener, surely you don’t still believe in Santa Claus?”
“Oh, abso-bloomin’-lootley Nigel!.  Jist ‘cos ye dinna’ understan’ somethin’ disna’ mean it’s nae true.  Jist tak’ a look at wir Annual Accoonts – dae you ken fit ‘Amortisation Of Intangible Assets’ is?  Nae chunce – bit that disna’ mean tae say we dinna believe it, or that the Finance Officer disna’ exist!  Aye, there is a Santie Claas – and I’ve seen him wi’ ma ain een!”
“Seen him Convener?”
“Aye, I’ve seen him.  It wis a lang time ago noo tho’ – fin I wis a young Bobby daein’ ma duty as the scourge o’ Banff an’ Buchan, an’ stationed at Boddam.”
“You mean to tell me that you actually saw Santa Claus?”
“Well, I’m pretty sure I did - tho’ I hiv tae admit that it wis Christmas Eve an’ I’d been daein a tour o’ the village pubs jist tae mak sure they were aa’ adherin’ tae the licensin’ regulations.”
“And did you have a drink in any of these pubs?”
“Weel it wis Christmas - so I maybe hid a wee deoch an’ doris here an’ there.”
“Tell me – how many pubs are there in Boddam?”
“Weel ther wis four pubs at that time, bit I jist thocht I’d be sociable - so I did the anes in Cruden Bay as weel!”
“And then you saw Santa Claus?”
“Aye I did, an’ I’ll tell ye this – he’d a richt reed nose!”
“Perhaps that was Rupert, Convener?”
“Na, Na – it wis Santie aa’ richt.  Listen, like aa’ bobbies hiv tae dae, I wrote it doon in ma’ notebook.  So maybe I’ll look it oot an’ pit that in my blog next Christmas.  Richt noo - I’m awaa.  I’m taakin’ twa or three days aff tae enter in tae this Christmas Spirit thing.”
“Well then – Happy Christmas, Convener”
“Aye, an’ Jingle Bells tae you an’ yours, Nigel!"

1 comment:

Joni said...

Dear Convener,
Maybe if you hidna gied yer money to a company that canna be bothered to pay their corporation tax and bocht an anither kin' of e-reader you could have downloaded yer mithers books for free fae your local library. Nivver mine, aa hope abody wis happy wae their presents.

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